So it's 1 o'clock after midnight on a Sunday morning and my first final exam is on Tuesday and I have NOT studied anything yet. Something is definitely wrong with me but I don't know what it is. It's not the pressure because I function well under pressure. I actually do better under pressure! That is why I am considering becoming an emergency physician or a surgeon even though my heart's set on pediatrics. So what could be the cause of my inability to simply concentrate on the material I have to cover for this exam?
This year for the first time ever since I got into medicine, I entertained the idea of what my life would be like have I chosen another major. I did it and I still do it more often than I like because that means I have doubts and doubts can destroy anyone. I have this huge fear of not being an excellent physician. I know I will be a good one but that is simply not good enough. I need to do something that I'm great at! I believe that someone doing even a seemingly minor job in a perfect way is ten times better than someone who's doing a major one in a less than perfect way.
I am of the top 10% of my class, my grades say so. However, I even believe that I am better than my grades demonstrate. Basically, that means I should have faith in myself and my skills and God, I used to have that but lately my faith has been shaken. I define myself by what I do and this is what I do and if I cant' do this right then what the hell am I doing in my life? The number of things I have sacrificed for the sake of being good in medicine... And I'm not complaining... it was fine because I believed the result is worth the price. I'm not sure of that anymore.
I am not fine. I know that for a fact. I haven't been fine for a long time now. I have been trying to BE fine but I can't. I don't LIKE being not fine because this is not who I am. I am a focused person who knows what he wants. I set my goals and I go after them with all of my power. I achieve what I set my mind to. I'm confident to the point of being mistakenly called big headed and arrogant and all of that. People have been calling me this year out of the blue to ask How am I doing because my vibe has changed. That halo I have around me isn't the same anymore. People have been telling me that they miss me. Well you know what? I miss me too.
Maybe this is just a moment of weakness and I'll wake up tomorrow and read all of this and wonder what on earth was with me to write such random rants filled with rubbish. Everyone have their moments of weakness I guess but mine have been too frequent lately.
I think I'll go pray, hopefully God can give me some peace if only for a few minutes.